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The Viral Song of Redwall

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A note from the author

This is a oneshot in which one unfortunate Redwaller finally witnesses the true power of a viral song.

This was inspired by the viral YouTube video [1]. Make sure to check it out!

Anyways, I thank you dear reader for taking the time to look upon my pitiful scrawlings. I hope to astound, stun and amaze. Enjoy!

Not a note from the author

Colonel Montclarcy McClane of the 7th Battalion of the Long Patrol of Salamandastron strode up to one of the groups of the battle-hardened defenders of Redwall, his ivory-topped cane tucked beneath his arm and his brushed mustachios blowing in the wind.

Snapping to attention and clicking his heels together, the hare proudly saluted the four Redwallers, a mole, a squirrel, and two otters.

“Smashing work out there, you courageous chaps! If I was in an office right now I’d slap a hundred medals on ya! How goes it, wot? No casualties, I presume?”

They looked to one another, shrugged and looked back to him.

The squirrel scratched an ear. “Uhh, ‘salright I guess. If you don’t mind gettin’ arrows shot at you.”

The hare threw back his head and laughed. “My, my, Redwallers, ever the comedians! Laughing in the face of death, I see! Hah hah!”

Suddenly becoming serious, he slipped over to the wall and peered warily over it, before turning back to the blank-faced defenders. “And what do ye reckon is down there, hmm? Can’t see very well meself, should consider purchasing a monocle."

The squirrel seemed in thought for a moment, before walking up to the wall himself and leaning over, shielding his searching eyes with a paw.

“Well, I see a- BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER

MUSHROOM

MUSHROOM!”

The Colonel nodded, a paw on his chin. “Hmm, hmm, very well then, ol’ boy, I think you might as well get down n-”

The squirrel raised a paw. “Wait! I see somethin’ else…

It’s a BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER

MUSHROOOOM

MUUUSHROOM!”

The mole blinked. “Er, Kyle, Oi fink Oi can speak for all of usn's when Oi say-”

The squirrel whirled around and belted the mole across the face, sending him flying across the walltop and landing with a thud on the flooring just a few feet from the edge. “SIIIILEEEENCE!”

The two otters gasped in unison, rushing over to the mole. “Kyle! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?”

Kyle rose to his full height, a mad glint in his eye. “He knew what he was getting into! No one cuts me off when I’m singing a viral song! ESPECIALLY THE BADGERS ONE!”

The hare took a wary step forward, shaking his head patiently. “SQUIRREL-err...Kyle, why don’t you settle down a tad and we can jolly well talk about this, maybe straighten a few things up...I’m not even sure that can be considered a bloomin' song…”

The squirrel gave the hare a hate-laden glance and a grating growl, before turning back to face the battlefield. “IT MUST BE DONE, HARE. IT MUST BEEE!

BECAUSE I SEE AAAAA

BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER

MUUUUSHRRROOOOM

MUUUUSHRROOOOOM!”

He paused, taking a deep breath.

CUZ I SEE AAAAAAA BADJAH BADJAH BADJAH BADJAH BADJAH BADJAH BADJAH BADJAH BADJAH BADJAH

He leaped up onto the edge of the walltops, overlooking a good thirty-foot drop, his voice going hoarse as he took on a baritone note.

SN-SNAAAAAAKLE SNAAAAAAKE! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKLE SNAAAAAKE!!! OOOOOH! OH IT’S A SNAKE.

Kyle shook his head, suddenly breaking out of the trance. “Wha’?” He blinked, before fixing his face into a gruesome look of absolute terror as he looked down to towards the ground, swaying perilously.

“OH, CRAP, IT’S A FREAKING SNAKE! IT’S A FREAKIN’ SNA- YEEEEEEEAAAAARGH

Seizing his chance to end this madness once and for all, the courageous hare had leapt up and impaled Kyle on his longsword, before wrenching the blade loose and booting the squirrel off the edge and into the horde of ravenous badgers below.

Thus ends the first viral song fever of Redwall.

The mole looked slowly up, his eyes watery with pain. “Erzit...Erzit over?”

Colonel Montclarcy McClane of the 7th Battalion of the Long Patrol of Salamandastron sighed heavily, leaning on the pommel of his longsword. "Is a viral song craze ever over?"

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