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Cluny, Redwall, and a Farmhouse

Author's note: What really happens to the warlords? Do they really get beaten by peaceful mice? Read on to find out!

Clunythe Scourge glared out of his one eye at the Abbey of Redwall. He sighed to himself. The mice were smarter than the warlord anticipated. He cracked his long tail and squinted up at the walltops. A baby squirrel sat up at the top, sucking on it's right paw. The noise irritated Cluny.

"Crazy babe! How dare it make noise! Cheesetheif, shoot the brat!" He commanded in his arrogant, but frightening voice. The enormously obese rat took a bow and arrow and shot at the squirrel. The shaft flew fifteen feet and struck Killconey the ferret in the footpaw. He danced around in pain. Cluny thought this was hilarious. He laughed and laughed, all the pressure fell off the stressed warlord's shoulders as he laughed at another creature's expense.

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" The crazed laughter rang out through the woodlands. "You shot Killconey because you're too fat to hit the squirrel! Hah, that was hilarious! Oh hellfire, I feel so much better! Come on, lets's go kill some woodlanders until we don't feel anything anymore." The crazed rat led on a charge into the woodlands, hacking left and right, accidentally killing most of his soldiers, along with random extras that no one would miss. Cluny laughed as he did so, but he was running out of oxygen as he fought to take in breath.

'The Chief's going to keel over and die soon.' The remaining eighteen members of Cluny's horde thought out loud. One of the rats who wasn't the brightest button on the coat sppke his thoughts out loud.

"Hah, that bucko is loonier than a March 'are! 'Tis a wonder 'ow 'e wos able to lead the 'orde." Cluny stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned around. His whip like tail lashed out and coiled around the unfortunate rat. He flogged him mercilessly and called him fifty different kinds of an idiot. The rat was so beat up, that he couldn't move. The whole horde watched the warlord with wide eyes. Cluny huffed and puffed, then he drew himself to full height and spread his paws wide.

"You know, I think this Abbey is making me flog the lot of ye and kill you. Why don't we just give up and conquer somewhere else?" He said. The horde stared dumbly at him. He gave them an evil grin. "Right, now MUSH!" The whole horde retreated from the Abbey. Matthias and Mortimer watched them go. All of the woodlanders cheered as the rats left. Cluny turned on his heel and made rude paw gestures as the horde left.

The horde marched for days. One of the members who managed not to die, a smallish gray rat, jogged up to the Chief.

"Um, so where are we going? I'm a little confused..." Cluny ignored him. The horde stopped at a farmhouse. He turned to the remaining seventeen members.

"Now, we can conquer this place. There are no magical mice in here. Come on!" Everybeast except the smallish gray rat entered the farmhouse only to be eaten by a giant black cat. He turned to the gray rat and licked his chops.

"Thanks for the snack comrade. Where do you go now?" The cat said. The rat threw off his disguise to reveal a light brown mouse in a kilt. He winked.

"If any other warlords visit the Abbey, they'll know where to go." He put his disguise back on and slowly trekked back into the woodlands.

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