The Warlord Guide 3, What and What NOT to Do For the Aspiring Conqueror: Torture

Hello, once again, you're favorite hyena themed villain enthusiast here with another exciting instalation of the Warlord Guide. Today I'm going to go over some of the most seen idiot moves within the Redwall Villain Corps. Some of these are shockingly stupid, so those of you with weak constitutions may not want to read on.

Starvation Does NOT Count as Torture

How many times have you heard, "Jus' cut 'is rations, loss of good food an' water is the best tongue loosener!"? I'll tell you: too many times. Starvation just doesn't cut it anymore. It was cool when it was new, but now we all realize that somehow a hero can survive up to five times longer than a villain without food, even Hares who can't seem to stop eating for fear they'd die of starvation. Siege really only works when the good guys do it, and individual starving doesn't work because one of two things will most likely happen.

One: They'll Find Food . . . Chained Up in You're Dungeon

Whether a robin brings it to you or you steal it when your bad tempered princess isn't slicing it up, somehow, someway, the hero will figure out a way to steal just enough food to survive. How they can do this escapes me and I can only infer that certain creatures can command the stars to bend unto their will. Either that or they are really lucky.

Two: Vengeance Alone Will Be Their Diet

Some creatures are capable of IMMENSE hatred. Ironically, they are usually goodbeasts. Spotting them is usually easy, as they are the ones who throw the meanest possible looks in your way. But anyway, these creatures will either refuse food or if your smart will just be starved, and because of this, they do not need any food. They focus all their strength into their burning hatred for you or something like that. And, sorry to say, it is the unwritten rule of Redwall that when a creature hates another enough, and they are good guys, they get to kill the creature they want. Nobody else, cause that's cheating.

What Torture Means

Torture (Tohr-chur). Noun. The deliberate, systematic, or wanton infliction of physical or mental suffering by one or more persons in an attempt to force another person to yield information or to make a confession or for any other reason. That was the definition of torture. Here is the Redwall definition.

Torture (Tohr-chur). Noun. When you say, 'ARGH! Ye'd better tell me what I wanta know, or ye'll be sorry!' Then they say no, and you throw a little temper tantrum and have the guards take them away.

I can't stress this enough. When you say you're going to torture somebody, for god's sake do it! Don't just cut off their rations! Cut off their rations and their toe! Then another, and another! Drown them to near death than hoist em back up! Poke and prod them with spears, whip them, beat them, set them on fire, feed them poison and tease them with the antidote, kill loved ones, gouge things out, break limbs, smash bones, TICKLE THEM! Do SOMETHING!

Author's Note

Sorry, usually these things are longer, but I was short on time, and I was getting bothered by this recurring trend I was noticing. Just bothers me is all. Coming up next, Evil Home and Gardening: The Dalila of Doom!

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