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Redwall Parody: Court

This will discuss various cases from the Redwall series.

Case:Murder of Brother Hal

Judge: Flamegauge, badger

Prosecutor: Rtretto, otter

Advocate: Swiftvetter, hare

Accused: Dingeye, stoat

Victim: Samkim, squirrel

"Please stand up. The court is in session. Please rise for the honorable Flamegauge!." Everyone stood up. "This case is about the murder of Brother Hal. The accused is Dingeye. Please make yourselves known." The stoat stood up, shaking. "I'm Dingeye, a completely innocent stoat. I lived in street idiots, tent twelve, bed two." "Thank you, please be seated. The victim is Samkim. Please make yourselves known." The squirrel stood up and said, "I live in Redwall Abbey, and I am not the murderer of Hal." The badger nodded. "First we will have the prosecutor ask the accused question. Rtretto..." The otter stood up, and said, "So, were where you on that day?!" "In the Great Hall."

"Wasn't that near the scene of murder?" "Of course it was, knucklehead." The otter roared and anger and jumped up, throwing his pen at Dingeye. "All right, let's go let's go let's go!" yelled a voice. An otter with a pistol leapt through a doorway and caught the pen, another with a machine gun shot in the ceiling and yelled, "Nobody don't move!", a third hurled a grenade out the window, and another twelve ran in, pointing their weapons at Rtretto. Flameguage coughed, and said, "There is no need for such tactics, Marshal. We're perfectly fine here on our own-" BOOM!!! The otter in question, Marshal Cledreppua Afrrappa Muprappa smirked and replied, "Hear that? That was- "That was the grenade that you threw. Please exit the room, Marshal." Rtretto made sure that Marshal had exited, then said, "Let's call the witnesses!" Flamguage exchanged looks with Swiftvetter. "That's going to be hard." "Why?!" Flamguage scratched his head, then picked up a thick file. "Well, the only witnesses are Thura, who died of Dryditch Fever, and Brother Hal." Rtretto was silent for a moment, then said, "And?" "And what?" "Is Brother Hal dead?" Flameguage raised his eyebrows. "I should think so, as we are discussing the case of his murder." Rtretto thought a bit, then replied. "How are we going to know who did it, then?" "We'll call the back-up witnesses."

A bell ran out. Then a pretty squirellmaid walked through a door and surveyed everyone. Samkim sat up. "Well, who do you think did it?" She fluttered her eyelashes at Samkim, and answered, "I think Dingeye. I mean, how could Samkim have done it? He's so brave, and handsome, and, and...brave, while dingeye is just a worthless worm." Swiftvetter jumped up, waving a thick wad of papers. "I protest! Dingeye is a stoat! It says it right here! Signed by experts! That's rascism, that is!" Flamguage nodded toward the hare. "Thank you for clearing that out, Swiftvetter. Please be seated,, your name is?" "Fwirl. My name is Fwirl." She sat down. "Next witness!" The bell rang again, and Furgale entered. "Who killed Brother Hal?" The vole pointed at Dingeye. "Him. Woodlanders never kill woodlanders. I've said it all." Furgale sat down. Rtretto jumped up, yelling, "That's it, case closed! There's only one more witness, and two verses one means two wins! You're going to prison, Dingeye!" Swiftvetter also jumped up, replying, "No! The third witness may have evidince against which there are no arguments!" "Fine. Gosh, meanie." They sat down. "Third witness, please!" Umrag the Destroyer made his way through the stands, but was stopped by a security guard. "Weapons?" The rat sighed, and began pulling pistols, knifes, and hand grenades from various places. Then he proceeded onward. "Well, who do you think killed Brother Hal?" "I think Samkim, Arula, and Furgale hatched a conspiracy to kill Hal.

I mean, Samkim wouldn't have been made warrior, if brother Hal hadn't died, right? They had already killed Hal when Dingeye and Thura came, and the stoats were terrified of dead bodies. Samkim had put a note on the sword, which said, 'Take this sword, stoats. It's yours!' so they did. Thura knew about the conspiracy though, so he was killed. How do you think Furgale recognised Samkim when he saw him? He had already known him!" There was stunned silence for a moment, then Furgale yelled, "WHY YOU!!!", stood up, and pulled something out of his cloak... The chair on which Umrag was sitting on a moment ago exploded into smithereens, but he had done a backflip and pulled a pistol out of a concealed pocket, and then eveything went BOOM! When the smoke had cleared Frugale found two dozen otter guards holding sniper rifles right to his head, and Marshal Cledruappa was inspecting the gun. Umrag walked over. "Here, let me see it." He examined it for a moment, then exclaimed, "That's a Dryditch Fever M-60! Who ever gets shot by it is infected! That's how Thura was disposed of!" Flameguage wrote something down, then said, "Furgale will be taken to prison for ten years, and Samkim will be put under questioning. Someone call Arula. This case is now closed!"

Case: Murder of Furgale

"Court is now in session! Everyone please rise for the honorable Flameguage!" The judge strode into the room, brightly waving at everyone. "Hello, hello, hey there, how's it going! All right, we're all here to discuss to murder of Furgale. As we all know, Furgale was arrested two weeks ago for the murder of Brother Hal.

Yesterday, his body was found horribly mutilated and ripped apart in his bed, with a note that said REVENGE. Here are the suspects: Bobby, a weasel cell mate, Lambourgini, a auto maker who was at the jail at the time of the murder, and John, a cop who hated Furgale. All right, Bobby, speak in your defence." The weasel stood up, blobs of fat hanging low from his stomach. He smiled and said, "Now, you know it wasn't me. Me haven't done a single thing wrong since the day me was born, 'xcept for speeding on the highway. That's why me be arrested." Rtretto jumped up, screaming, "People don't get arrested for speeding! He's lying! He's lying! Arrest him! ARREST HIM!!" "BE QUIET!!" yelled Flameguage in a thunderous voice. In the following silence one of the jury members said, "Where did your old security chief, Marshall Cledruappa go?" "I fired him." The jury member scratched his head, then said, "So THAT's why you're so happy lately! You were practically skipping to work today!" The judge coughs, then says, " Ah, yes, well... Um... Anyway... John, speak in your defense!" The cop stood up, putting his hand over his holster, only to find it empty. He whirled around, and he saw a security guard insolently tossing a gun up and down. The guard looks up and smiles cheekily. John turns around, scowling, and says, "I was at a night club when this occured, so I-"Rtretto leaped to his feet, yelling, "AhHAA! So you DO know when this occured! Arrest him! Arrest him!" Flamguage put his heads in his hands and moaned, "Sometimes I think Marshall Cledruappa isn't so bad compared to Rtretto... Go ahead, John." John smiles thinly, and speaks.

"I meant that I was away the whole night, and I have someone to prove it!" He points to the stands, where a glamorous haremaiden is standing. She smiles at everyone, and says, "He's right. He was at a nightclub two nights ago, and stayed there until 10:00 in the morning." The judge nods, and writes something down. Then he says, "All right, Swiftvetter, you can start interrogating them now." Rtretto pounds the table with his fist so hard that it cracks in half, and he screams, "Why is that idiotic hare interrogating them?!! He's an advocate, for crying out barrels of cream soda!" Flamgauge looks at Rtretto over his spectacles, and he growls, "Because he doesn't keep SCREAMING at me whenever I SAY something!!" A deathly silence came over the room, and then an "Oooooh..." sound was heard from the jury.

The otter sank back in his chair, huffing and puffing and muttering something ferocious. The judge looked at Swiftvetter and said, "Well, go on then!" Swiftvetter mumbled something. "Speak up, we can't hear you." The otter screamed in fury and kicked the table in front of him as hard as he could. It fell apart into little pieces. He then screamed, "He's being distracted by the harmaid! They're our suspects! How did she get in, anyway? Why is the security guard behind John dead? How come he went to the nightclub two nights ago, but the murder-" He stopped in midflow. Everyone looked, and they saw a tranquilizer dart in his throat. The cop then moved his dart gun toward the judge's throat. "Anyone moves, and I'll shoot!" In the silence that was heard, a cough came from the doorway, and Umrag popped out, and he said, "Hey I found this guy-" John was already turning his head back to Flamegauge, but it was too late.

A moving projectile slammed into the cop at a speed of about three hundred miles per hour, smashed him against the wall, and pummeled him like crazy. John opened his eyes, and he saw Marshall Cleruappa grinning insanely down on him. "Didn't you miss me, guys?" The judge stood up, brushing plaster and dust over from his face as he peered into the circular whole right at the spot where his head was. "Yes, good work... I guess?" Umrag smiled weakely and lifted up Lambourgini and said, "I captured him as I was running down the hallway. I had to kill some wierd fat guy, and a young haremaiden got away. The judge scribbled something in his notebook, and he said, "So they were all involved in this plot! How interesting! Oh, well, see you next time to interrogate Lambourgini! And, can someone please attend to Rtretto?"

To be continued...

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