There are references from Redwall, Mattimeo, Salamandastron, Martin the Warrior, The Bellmaker, Pearls of Lutra, Marlfox, The Legend of Luke, Lord Brocktree, The Taggerung, Triss, Loamhedge and Rakkety Tam.
It will get funnier as it goes along.
My brother, User:Wild Doogy Plumm helped me with this.:)
Chapter One- The title characters meet
When he had ran outside of his fortress after the escaped slaves, he had secretly sneaked away and sent his clone after them. Every good warlord needs a clone to be killed in their place. So that is what Badrang did. Now he was going south, searching for some place to settle down and live not-so-peacefully. Even evil vermin warlords need a break.
Badredd the little fox trudged along behind his gang. He was no longer their leader, after what had happened back at Redwall. Now all he wanted to do was sulk. As he listened to Flinky's constant chatter, he wished that he could have a clone so that he could sneak away from them unnoticed.
Then he tripped on something and fell flat on his face. The other vermin didn't even notice. He grumbled and looked down at what he had tripped on. It was a strange-looking object with a large, red button in the center.
Badredd scratched his head and thought, “What a strange-looking object with a large, red button in the center!”
Then he saw that something was written on the side of it: 'Miniature Time and Space Teleportation Device'. The fox had no idea what it meant, but it sounded cool, and maybe it would take him away from here. Or maybe it would give him the clone that he had always wanted. So he pressed the button.
Badrang slashed at some bushes with his sword. When he had cloned himself, the sword which he had stolen was cloned too. Now he had his own and that mouse would get a copy of it. The stoat sniggered with evil glee. Suddenly something came crashing down on him. At first he thought that it was a chunk of a falling star so that he could make another sword out of it, but then he looked and saw a little fox sitting on him. The fox's eyes were shut tight and he was cringing.
Badrang shook the fox off of him and growled, “Who are ye and why'd ye fall on me?”
The fox stood up and stumbled about dazedly, “I'm, er, Badredd.” he said.
Badrang stared at him, “Badredd?” he asked.
Badredd nodded, “Aye! Badredd. Now why is that in italics?”
The stoat snorted, “I dunno. My name's Badrang the Former Tyrant of Marshank.”
“Badrang?” Badredd asked.
“Aye, Badrang. You got a problem with that, runt?”
“No. Why do our names sound so similar?”
“Who cares. Now, why did you fall on me?”
Badredd shrugged and held out his MTSTD. “I was walking in da woods and I saw this. Then I pressed the button an'.... poof! I'm here.”
Badrang stared at the fox's outstretched paw. “What are you talking about? There's nothing there! You're insane.”
Badredd looked down at the object in his paw. He read the small print on the side: 'Only visible to characters from Loamhedge.' He scratched his head and looked at Badrang, “Are you from another book?”
The stoat growled, “How should I know? What's it matter anyhow?”
Badredd looked back down at the MTSTD, “Er, nothing.”
Badrang looked at him suspiciously but said nothing.
After awhile of Badrang muttering to himself and Badredd wondering what was up with his MTSTD, the fox said, “Um.... what so what have you been up to?”
Badrang grumbled a bit and shrugged, “Oh, nothing much, just killing, plundering, conquering, enslaving.... that kinda stuff.”
Badredd's eyes went wide, “You mean that you're a real warlord?!”
Badrang nodded, “Of course! I'm Badrang the Former Tyrant of Marshank.”
“Aye, I gave it up awhile ago. Too much stress.”
Badredd looked at the stoat in awe, “Can... can I be a captain in your mighty horde?”
Badrang glared at him, “I just said I gave that up.”
Badredd looked at the ground, “Oh. ok.” Then he looked at Badrang, “Can I follow in your mighty, evil pawsteps?”
The stoat sighed. “I guess so. As long as ye don't get in my way.”
He started walking along again and Badredd followed him, asking, “Would you like to have some evil adventures with me and my.... strange-looking object?”
Badrang looked down at the fox's paw. Then he shook his head and muttered, “Stupid runt.”
All day he tried to get away from Badredd's pestering until finally he whirled on him and said, “Alright, alright! I'll go on your little 'evil adventures'! So now, what do we do?”
Badredd pointed to the MTSTD in his paw, “I think that we press this button....”
Then he did, and.....
Chapter Two- Cwown Pwince Woopert
They appeared in the middle of a large grove of trees. Badrang glared around, “Okay, where are we?” Badredd shrugged, “I dunno.”
Badrang glared at him, “What do ya mean you don't-”
He was interrupted by a very squeaky, very annoying, very lispy voice. “Who awe you and why do you not bow befowe the Cwown Pwince Woopert?”
They both turned to see a small, fat squirrel standing behind them, surrounded by other squirrels who were not small and fat.
Badrang sneered. “And why should the tyrant of Marshank bow before a stupid liddle squirrel?”
Badredd interrupted. “I thought that you were the former-”
Badrang glared at him. “Shut your trap.”
The little fat squirrel pounded his footpaw on the ground. “Bow befowe me or die, wetch!”
Badredd started to bow, but the stoat kicked him. “You moron! We don't bow to stupid, fat squirrelbabes!” He snarled at Roopert, “We eat them!”
Roopert didn't seem scared. He laughed a very squeaky, very annoying, very lispy laugh. “Empty thwets, vewmin! Guawds, seize dese insowent cwetuwes!”
Suddenly squirrels appeared from every tree around, with arrows pointed at them. Badredd cowered on the ground and Badrang rolled his eyes. He drew his sword and growled, “If you want a fight....”
Suddenly he charge them, roaring, “For..... um... something!!!!” Badredd cowered even more as arrows zoomed overhead. The squirrels fled in all directions when they saw the stoat with the sword charge them, roaring, “For....um... something!!!!”
Suddenly, a pebble came from nowhere and hit Badredd on the bottom. He gave a yelp and leaped up, bumping into Badrang and sending the MTSTD flying. The stoat's sword buried into the ground right in between Roopert's footpaws. The squirrel squealed and ran away, shrieking. “Hewp! Muwdew!”
Badrang smiled, “Haha! Run yew liddle fat squirrel! I'll get you!” Then another pebble came from nowhere and hit him on the ear. He snarled and looked around, “Who did that?”
Badredd whaled, “Thar she blows!”
“Not that kinda whaling, idiot!”
Badredd wailed, “Let's get out o' here!”
Badrang stuttered, “Wait, no...!”
Then Badredd grabbed a stick and pushed the button on the MTSTD with it.
Chapter Three- I believe in the Deepcoiler!
They landed with a whump on a small beach near a large lake. Badrang glared around, “Okay, where are we?”
Badredd shrugged, “I dunno. Wait, you said that last time.”
Badrang was about to kick him when a group of creatures came over towards them. It was a motley group of both vermin and woodlanders. Some of them held binoculars and others had on T-shirts that had writing on them.
One of them, a vole, called out, “Hoi there! Have you two travelers come touristing?”
Badredd was about to reply, when Badrang said, “I have no idea what that means, but whatever it is, we aren't doin' it.”
The vole chuckled, “Well have you come to see if'n you can find the famous Deepcoiler?”
Badredd scratched his head, “What's that?”
The vole looked surprised. “You mean that you've never heard of the Great Inland Lake Monster? The Deepcoiler?!”
Badredd was about to reply again, when Badrang said, “No, and we don't care to. Alright fox, push the button again, I'm getting' out o' this loony bin!”
Badredd nodded and then after looking around, said hesitantly, “Um.... I can't find it.”
The stoat was furious. “What'dya mean you can't find it?!”
Badredd shrugged, “It's gone. See?” He held out his empty paw.
Badrang groaned, “I could never see it anyways! Ohhh, now what are we going to do?”
The vole piped up, “Maybe you could come with us! We have food, an' we could show you our gift shop.”
A few minutes later....
Badrang and Badredd sat at a table in a small cottage, staring around at the decorations. There were pictures, pieces of cloth, bones, and many other strange things hanging on the walls. There were also racks of clothing with sayings like: 'I believe in the Deepcoiler!'
Badredd asked. “What is this?”
A nearby rat answered, “It's the official Deepcoiler Searchers gift shop and museum. We spend our lives trying to find that famous creature that lurks these waters. See!” The rat pointed to a blurry picture on the wall of a huge, snake-like thing eating a fox. Beneath it, was what looked like a squirrel in a boat.
Badrang snorted, “So? What's that prove? It could be a boat with something attached to it!”
The rat shook his head, “No, this picture has been looked at by professionals. It's genuine.”
Badrang was still not convinced. “I'm still not convinced!”
The rat rolled his eyes. “Then why don't you come out to the lake and see the proof for yerself?”
They went outside and saw groups of creatures standing by the lake, peering out carefully. Badrang scoffed. “It still doesn't prove anything!”
The rat pointed down at an object on the sands below. They walked down to it and saw that it was the skeleton of some huge, serpentine creature. Badredd stared at it in awe and horror, “What is it?”
The rat pointed to a plaque. “This is the actual skeleton of the original Deepcoiler. And if there was one, we expect to find more. That is our mission.”
They stared at the skeleton for awhile, then Badrang grumbled, “Fine, that's proof enough, but I don't care about all this. We need to find that, er.... thingy.”
“There it is!”
Badredd was pointing to the skeleton. It the middle of it, surrounded by white, sun-bleached ribs, was the MTSTD.
Badrang grumbled and turned to the rat. “Can we go in there and get that?”
The rat bit his lip. “Well... I don't know....”
The stoat leaped over the short fence that surrounded it and tried to look for an opening. When he saw none that were big enough for him, he called out, “Hey, Badblue or whatever you name is, get over here and squeeze between these bones!”
Badblue came over and-
Badredd came over and squeezed his smaller body in between the ribs, while the rat wrung his paws and called out warnings.
Badredd grabbed the MTSTD and was about to press the button, when Badrang growled, “Not yet, idiot! Get out o' there!”
The fox started to come out, when he suddenly got stuck. He tried frantically to get loose, but it was no use.
“Hey that rhymes!” he said.
Badrang snarled, “I know that, you fool, just get out!”
“I can't, I'm stuck!”
Badrang rolled his eyes and drew his sword. “Why do I have to do everything myself?”
As he raised the sword back, the rat shouted, “No, don't damage it! It's very valuable!”
The stoat chopped at a bone, then turned and glared at him. “Go jump in the lake and drown, you obsessed freak!”
Badredd whimpered, “Don't hurt me!”
Badrang grinned, “I'll try to.” But with the next swing, the fox was free. He leaped up and pressed the button.
Chapter Four- Of reformed rats and revised boats
When they appeared again, they found that they were on another beach.
“Great, another beach.” Badrang grumbled.
Badredd started making a sandcastle, “I like the beach.”
Badrang kicked him, “Well I don't! Now let's find out where we are.”
“We're at the beach.”
“I mean specifically, you slugbrain!!”
They looked around and Badredd pointed, “Look! Over there.”
They saw a small shack by the sea with a sign on top of it saying: 'Blaggut's Boat Shop'. Badredd started running towards it, “Maybe we can buy a boat!”
“I dunno. We'll find something.”
Badrang muttered and cursed to himself and followed the fox. They soon got to the shack and saw a fat searat siting on a bench and sewing a sailcloth.
He looked up at them and grinned, “Hello! I'm Blaggut, an' welcome to me boat shop! Would you like to buy or rent a boat?”
Badrang growled, “No, we're not-
But Badredd interrupted him, “Sure!”
The searat stood and walked over to a desk. He picked up a paper and gave it to Badredd. “Here's me catalog.” Badredd looked at it and pointed to one of the choices. “Dat one!”
Blaggut looked at it and nodded, scratching his chin. “Ah, the super-deluxe model. I think I have a few o' those in stock. I'll go check.”
He went outside the shack and they followed him.
Badrang asked, “So why is a searat like you runnin' a boat shop when you should be out plundering the seas?”
Blaggut chuckled and shook his head, “No, I gave up all that awhile ago. I'm a reformed searat now.”
Badrang stumbled back as if he had been given a blow to the stomach. “You.... wha.... you're a.... Since when has there been such a thing as a good vermin?!”
The searat shrugged, “Since me I suppose. I don't like the killin' an' fightin' an' all that stuff. I want to live peacefully.”
Badrang still stood with his mouth wide open. “Why you.... you're a disgrace to all vermin kind!”
“Yeah!” Badredd chimed in.
The stoat glared at him. “And so are you!”
Suddenly a pebble came hurdling out of nowhere and hit Badrang on the leg. He yelled and glared about. “Alright, who did that?!”
Badredd shrugged and Blaggut seemed to ignore him. The rat pointed to a small boat that lay beached on the sand. “There it is!” he said, “The super-deluxe rowboat!”
Badrang stared at the small boat. “That is the super-deluxe model??”
Blaggut patted it's hull, “Aye! Most of me other un's are made out o' barrels, but this un is a real boat! Would you like to buy or rent it?”
Badrang growled again. “No we're not-
But Badredd interrupted him again. “Sure!”
They followed Blaggut back to the shack and he stood behind the desk, scribbling on a piece of paper with a pencil. “Er, er... that'll be..... er....” he laughed apologetically “I was never to good at figurin'.”
Badrang grabbed the piece of paper and looked over it. At first he nearly fell over at the price printed on it, but then he narrowed his eyes and lied. “It says that the super-deluxe model is free to all awesome stoats and runty foxes.”
He handed the paper back to Blaggut, who scratched his head and wondered aloud. “I don't remember puttin' that, but okay!”
They went outside again and Badredd whispered to Badrang. “I didn't see that on there.”
The stoat kicked him. “Shut up.”
Blaggut checked over the boat once more, then held his paws open to it. “Alrighty, 'tis all yours!”
The stoat and the fox climbed in and Blaggut pushed them out to sea. As they went off, he waved to them. “Good-bye! Enjoy your boat!”
They (or actually just Badredd) rowed along, and Badrang grinned. “Normally I wouldn't dream of buyin' something from a reformed vermin, but at least we now have a mode of transportation that's not invisible!”
The sun shone down on the little boat that drifted alone in the open sea.
After awhile Badredd started complaining, “I'm tired! Are we there yet? Why aren't you rowing too?”
Badrang glared at him. “I'll answer those in order. One: I don't care, keep rowing! Two: No, and if we were we'd be there right now. Three: Because I need a big, strong beast like you to keep this boat going for awhile. There, you happy?”
Badredd puffed up his chest with pride. “Oh boy! Yes, I'll keep us going! I need to work these big muscles!”
They drifted along.
One hour later
“Row, row, row yer boat, gently down the-”
Two hours later
“There's a hole in the bottom of the sea, there's a hole in the bottom of the sea. There's a hole, there's a hole-”
Three hours later
“Michael row the boat ashore, Hallelu-”
Four hours later
“That's it!” Badrang snarled. He stood up and held out his paw. “Give me the device thingy.”
Badredd pulled it out of his pocket. “You mean the MTSTD?”
“Yeah, whatever. Give it to me.”
“Because we're going nowhere, now give it to me or just push the button!”
Chapter Five- Don't do drugged fruit
They appeared on an island in the middle of the ocean-
“Well where else is an island supposed to be?”
“In a lake?”
They appeared on an island. On the beach of the island.
“Can't we go anywhere that isn't a beach?!” Badrang growled.
Badredd's stomach growled too. “I'm hungry.” he complained.
The stoat glared at him, “Well who do I look like? Wolfgang Puck? Go find somethin' to eat, moron!”
So Badredd wandered off, grumbling, and Badrang stayed behind, grumbling.
Then he heard the fox's voice. “Hey, I found some fruit o'er here! A whole pile of it!”
Badrang went over towards the voice and saw Badredd sitting on the beach, stuffing exotic and not-so-exotic fruit in his mouth.
Badrang rolled his eyes. “You idiot, you don't just eat a pile o' food that's sittin' around! It could be-” *Hic!*
Badredd stood dazedly and tottered around. He stuffed a pear in his face and grinned stupidly. *Hic!*
Badrang groaned. “Oh you little... it is-”
Suddenly a rain of spears, arrows, and stones flew over them. Badredd had fallen over and Badrang ducked. Drums pounded and small shapes ran out on the beach and dragged the unconscious Badredd away.
When it was all over, Badrang got up and looked around. Badredd was gone. He was finally free of that annoying little fox! He was about to dance an Irish jig, when he remembered something.
The MTSTD. He groaned. Now he would have to go and save that annoying little fox to get the device thingy back. Forget the Irish jig.
Badrang stalked through the undergrowth of the island. It was like a jungle. Only without monkeys and bongo music. A huge mountain was in the center of the island.
Suddenly a badger in full armor came charging out of it, shouting, “Euuulaaaaaliiiaaaaaa!!!”
“No, not that mountain!” Badrang yelled.
The badger disappeared and Badrang breathed a sigh of relief. That would be the worst thing that could happen.
He walked closer to the mountain and saw a tunnel carved into it. He was about to go inside, when he tripped on something. It was a brown leather hat and a whip. He picked it up and looked at it. “Might as well disguise myself.” he thought. He put on the hat, stuck the whip in his belt and went on into the cave-tunnel.
As he walked carefully along the torch-lite passageway, he stepped on one of the floor tiles. Suddenly small darts shot out of the walls and the stoat threw himself to the floor. Exciting adventure music started to play. Badrang grumbled and crawled along the floor, avoiding the floor tiles. At the end of the passageway was a large cavern. He sneaked up and hid behind a rock near the entrance.
He saw Badredd hanging upside-down and all of the little figures, (which turned out to be small, rat-like creatures) dancing on the rocks and ledges around. They chanted.
“Y-M-C-A! Ev-er-y day!”
Badrang rolled his eyes. Weirdos.
Suddenly they stopped as another figure came in. It was a tall, oddly-dressed female weasel, with dyes and clay painted on her face. Badrang stared at her. She was the most barbarically beautiful creature he had ever seen! He continued staring at her as she raised her stick thing and pointed it at the still unconscious Badredd.
Badrang was still staring when she hissed. “Ko Slarisssssss!”
All of the little rat-things stopped singing 'YMCA' and started chanting. “Ko Slarisssssss!”
Badrang's attention was turned to another cave in the side of the bigger cave. A long, green snake came out of it, it's forked tongue flickering as it came towards Badredd.
Badrang shuddered. “Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?”
He was about to turn and run, leaving Badredd to be snake-chow, when he remembered. The MTSTD.
“Drat.” he muttered, and drew his whip and sword. He ran forward into the cave roaring. “For.....um.....something!” He swung the sword and cut Badredd loose.
When the fox fell on his head, he woke up, moaning. “Oooohhh..... now I know why they tell you to not take drugs!”
“I could've told you that, idiot!” snarled Badrang “Now let's find a way out o' here!”
All of the little rat-things leaped at them, waving spears, clubs, and pennants with 'Slariss' written on them. The snake and the weasel sat back and stared as Badrang yelled at Badredd while kicking and whacking rat-things around everywhere.
The stoat kicked Badredd and a rat-thing at the same time, yelling. “Push the button!”
Badredd kicked the same rat-thing that Badrang had kicked and said. “I can't find it!” Badrang looked around desperately but then remembered that it was invisible to him.
Badredd pointed. “There it is!” It lay on the ground a short ways away and they both lunged for it. Badredd grabbed it and pushed the button.
Chapter Six- Peace out!
They appeared on another island, but not on a beach.
“Hey look!” said Badredd “We're not on a beach!”
Badrang was too relieved to kick him.
Just then they saw a hedgehog approach them. He was dressed strangely, with flowers wreathed in his spikes and wearing a tye-dye T-shirt with a rainbow on it. He called out to them.
“Good karma to you my brothers! And welcome to Peace Island! Would you like to try our organically grown fruits and vegetables?”
Badredd shook his head, “No thanks. Last time I ate fruit I got drugged.”
The hedgehog shrugged. “Well we here on Peace Island don't mix our food and drugs.”
Badrang gave a groan as if he was in pain and slowly slapped a paw across his eyes. “What....have I done.....to deserve.....this.....?!”
A mouse in armor suddenly appeared. “Do you want me to go through the list?”
Badrang jumped. “Where'd you come from?!”
“I'm the spirit of Martin the Warrior, I can go wherever I want.”
Badrang stared at him. “You mean.....you're..... dead?”
The blast of sound-waves that came next would be talked about for years to come. It spread across the island and over the ocean, destroying ships in it's wake. It spread over the land, knocking down trees along it's path. A random squirrel and a random ferret were fighting and they were both knocked over flat. A random hare was taking some random Dibbuns out for a stroll and they were knocked over. A random mouse was sitting on a log and he was knocked over. All of this random information is useless and I might as well get to the point: What caused the random explosion of sound-waves that knocked everybeast over.
Badredd and the hedgehog were knocked over as well. Badredd held a paw to his head. “Woh..... what happened?”
Martin's spirit stared at Badrang. “Wow. I was expecting more of a reaction than that, but....”
Badrang danced around. “Hahaha! You're dead! You're dead! Haha- “ Suddenly he stopped. “Wait. That means that you're now with your girlfriend again.... and..... you're probably happy.......”
Martin smirked. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I am!”
Badrang jumped at Martin but he went right through him. The mouse spirit stuck his tongue out at him. “Nyah nyah! Sucker!” and then he disappeared.
Badredd blinked and stared at Badrang as the stoat scrabbled furiously at the spot where Martin had faded away. “What's up with him?” the fox asked.
Before the hedgehog could answer, Badrang came up, muttering and panting. “Alright runt, push the button. I already hate this crazy place.”
Badredd glared at him. “But they're friendly here! I wanna check it out.”
The hedgehog grinned and motioned to them. “Then come on my brothers! Let us feel the peace and oneness with nature here on Peace Isle!”
Badrang doubled over in as if in pain as he followed the hedgehog and the fox. If he wasn't in so much pain he would make this place into Badrang-slaughtered-everyone Island.
A few minutes later they arrived at the valley that was the main meeting place of the Peace Island inhabitants. They were all hedgehogs, and dressed similarly like the first one that Badrang and Badredd had met. Some of them played guitars and held paws while in weird positions, while others went around hugging every tree they saw.
Badrang sighed and glared about. “What sort of loony bin is this place?”
The hedgehog stared hard at him. “So I suppose you want to use pesticides and increase CO2 emissions? And how about promoting world peace? Oh, stoat-who-has-come-to-disrupt-our-peaceful-existence?”
Badrang winced and coughed. “No thanks strange-flowery-hedgehog-who-has-lost-sanity. I think I'm allergic to peace.”
Badredd was dancing and throwing flowers about with a group of young hedgehogs. He laughed, “I like this! I want to grow out my hair!”
“You idiot!!” Badrang almost screamed, “If you don't get over here in three seconds flat, I'll flay ya alive!!”
There was a hush over the valley and everybeast stared at him except for Badredd, who was too busy eating an organically grown apple.
Badrang grinned wickedly. “And on top o' that I'll.... I'll.... I'll chop down every tree I see and get non-organic fruit! As well as eat red meat! So there!”
The leader hedgehog came forward and frowned at the stoat. “You vile beast! Are you working for the government?”
Badrang frowned back at him. “No. I only work for myself!”
He suddenly found himself surrounded by angry hedgehogs. “Take him away from here!” the leader hedgehog shouted, “He is a violent destroyer of the earth!”
The hedgehogs all rushed in at Badrang, but the stoat pointed behind them, yelling frantically, “Look! Someone is hunting an endangered species!” All of the hedgehogs turned and Badrang took off, grabbing Badredd as he ran. “Push the button you fool!” he roared.
Badredd scrabbled around for a moment, then he frowned at the stoat. “Why?”
“Because if you don't I'll-”
“Good enough for me.”
Chapter Seven- Never play Dodgeball with a Monitor
They poofed up on.....
Um.....no. Another island.
But before the two could get a look at their surroundings....
They both hit the dirt as three coconuts flew overhead. Badrang peered up and saw a two groups of creatures standing away from each other. One of the groups was a bunch of corsair vermin, and the other was a bunch of lizards. Badrang got up and glared around.
“Alright, who threw those coconuts at me?!”
“Us.” said Badredd.
“Well I don't care about you...”
A ferret ran up to them, ducking every now and then. “Hoi there, are ye on our side?”
Badrang snorted. “What d'ya mean your side? What's goin' on?”
The ferret explained hastily, “This is the Isle of Sampetra an' ever since ol' Mad Eyes kicked the bucket we've been stuck here with all o' these lizards.”
They walked over to the middle of the valley and the ferret held up his paws. “Time out!”
The lizards growled and hissed, but the vermin cheered.
The ferret pointed down at a line drawn on the ground. “This line separates us an' the lizards,”
“So that you don't go on the other side of the island?” Badredd asked.
The ferret laughed nervously, “Ehehe..... um, actually it's the dodgeball line.”
Then out of the blue, two coconuts came hurling out of the blue.
“You just repeated yourself.”
Sorry. Anyway, one of the coconuts whacked Badredd on the head and he was knocked out. The ferret glared at the lizards. “Hey, I didn't say time in!”
The Monitors grinned evilly and flexed their claws.
Badrang picked up a coconut. “So the point is to smack the lizards with these?”
The ferret dodged a flying coconut and nodded. “Aye, that's the point. But our teams gettin' killed. Almost literally.”
He pointed at a searat that had just been hit by a coconut. The searat lay moaning on the ground and two vermin carrying a stretcher came out on the field and took him away.
The ferret sighed. “Ye see, those lizards can hit 'em harder with their tails. Plus they've got hard scales. It's not fair!”
Badrang narrowed his eyes. “Well, you'll be killed no longer! Badrang the Former Tyrant is gonna send 'em home cryin'!”
All of the vermin stopped and stood back as Badrang stepped forward with a coconut in each paw. The lizards grinned and drew back their arms to throw. The high noon sun shone down on them. A tumbleweed rolled by. Badrang spread his feet apart and held his paws ready at his sides.....
Then everything went into slow motion.
The lizard's coconuts zoomed towards Badrang and he went into a matrix roll, tossed his coconuts into the air, then leaped up and kicked them down at his opponents. Three Monitors ran up, their claws loaded with brown, hairy ammo. Badrang's coconuts knocked the lizards down one after the other in succession. Badrang dropped to the ground, landed on all four paws, and, as three coconuts came sailing right towards him, he did a handspring and dodged them. As soon as they hit the ground, he picked them up and threw them, taking out two lizards. The vermin watched in awe as Badrang knocked out every lizard on the opposite team.
Then it was all over. The slow motion stopped, and all of the corsair vermin came running out, cheering.
They raised Badrang high on their shoulders and chanted, “Badrang! Badrang! Badrang the Dodgeball King!”
“I prefer the title of.... tyrant.”
“Badrang! Badrang! Badrang the Dodgeball Tyrant!”
The stoat smiled and gloated. If only Clogg could see him now!
Over on the bench, Badredd sat, rubbing his head. “Ooooh.... what happened?” He looked up at the vermin all cheering for Badrang and it all came back to him. He looked at the lizards all lying unconscious on the other side of the field. Badrang had taken out all of the lizards! And now he was the king of the island!
Badredd grinned. Badrang would probably make him a captain or something. Then he could tell everybeast what to do! If only Flinky could see him now!
But then a sudden thought struck him. “Ow!”
He picked up his MTSTD.....
Badrang came over to him, a crown on his head and two vermin behind him, fanning him with palm leaves. “Well runt, how do'ye like yer new king, eh?”
A tear ran down Badredd's cheek. “I'm..... *sniff* allergic to........coconuts.....”
Badrang saw him raise his finger to push the invisible button. “NO!! No you idiot, I-”
Chapter Eight- It's Karangool! It's Groddil! No, it's....
When they appeared once more they found that they were in a pitch-black tunnel.
“Hey, I can't see!” Badredd complained.
Badrang ground his teeth. “And it's good for you that I can't see because when I find you I'm gonna-”
Before he could say what he was gonna do, Badredd changed the subject. “Did ya notice that we haven't been hit by those pebbles for about three poofs?”
Badrang grumbled, “So? Do you want to get hit by 'em?”
Just as he spoke, four pebbles came hurdling out of nowhere. Two hit Badrang and two hit Badredd.
Badrang cursed, “<CENSORED>!!”
Badredd moaned, “I go'rt 'it on me w'lip! It'sh sthwollen!”
Badredd sighed. “I thsaid I got-”
He was interrupted by voices from down the tunnel, and a light floated towards them. They blinked in the light and saw that they were surrounded by....
One of the strangely-colored vermin, a weasel with a shade of dark cerulean, came forward and said, “We are of the Blue Hordes of mighty Lord Ungatt Trunn. Who are you and why are you not among our ranks?”
Badrang snarled, “Listen freak, I don't even know where I am or what's going on, but if'n you don't get out of my face, I'll-”
Suddenly the weasel (and all of the other blue vermin) stood to attention and saluted, with scared faces.
Badrang smirked, “Hah! See? Now you'll show proper respect to a real warlord!”
The weasel said shakily, “C-captain in Chief Karangool!”
Badrang stared at him. “What? No, my name is-”
The weasel motioned behind Badrang, “He is right behind you, fool! Stand to attention!”
Badrang turned and saw only Badredd, who stood hiding in the half-light.
The stoat turned back and snorted, “That's only a stupid, scrawny liddle wimp of a fox; why're you idiots saluting him?”
The weasel glared at him. “How dare you insult the Captain in Chief under Lord Trunn!” he turned to Badredd. “What shall we do with this insolent beast, Captain?”
Badredd was still rubbing his swollen lip and trying to figure out what was going on. So far he realized that these blue vermin thought that he was someone named Karangool. He said, “R'ell, eh, I dunno what'th goin' on, but...” Then it hit him.
Badredd grinned wickedly and said, in as commanding a tone as he could, “Dis phool ish ter be moi s'ave!”
Badrang stared in complete horror at the little fox. He gasped, “Bu... wha....I....you....”
The blue vermin grabbed him. “Shall we make him one of us now Captain?”
“Er... eh, yesth! 'E ish one o' u'rs noaw!”
The vermin grabbed Badrang and held him down as the weasel grabbed a bucket. Badrang kicked and cursed at them, but before he could break free....
He was covered from head to paws in....
The weasel shrugged. “Well we ran out of the blue powder, and we found some cans of paint in the hare's garage, so Lord Trunn told us to use that.”
Badrang rolled around and tried to wipe the paint off of his fur, but it was stuck.
He ran over to Badredd and screamed in his face, “What are ye doing, fool?! Get us out of here!!”
Badredd pulled himself away from the frantic blue stoat and sniffed. “Take 'im 'way an' make 'im work fo' me!”
The blue vermin dragged Badrang away and the weasel turned to Badredd. “What are your orders now Captain?” he asked.
Badredd rubbed his lip and said, “Er... I-”
Just then a blue rat came running up. “Lord Trunn wishes to see Captain Karangool. So if'n you see him-”
The weasel said, “The Captain is right here.”
The rat looked at Badredd and frowned. “I always thought he was taller...”
The weasel shrugged. “I guess he just looks taller on TV.”
Badredd was about to ask what he meant, when the rat said, “Well, Lord Trunn wants to see him anyway.”
They both turned to Badredd. The little fox gulped and said, “Well, eh... oh yeah, leth's go!”
He strode off with the other vermin following behind. Then he stopped and turned to them sheepishly. “Uh.... I forgot wherw it iths...”
The rat then led the way. “Just follow me Captain.”
They soon came into a large room. At the back was a table with several boxes on it and by the table stood a wildcat.
Badredd and the blue vermin group came in and the rat announced, “Lord Trunn, Captain and Chief Karangool has arrived!”
Ungatt Trunn turned to him. “Well duh, I already knew that. He's standing right over there.”
He pointed to a tall fox standing to the side.
The rat and the weasel both stared at Badredd. But before the little fox could say anything, Ungatt Trunn smiled and ran over to Badredd, saying, “Well, well, well, if it isn't Groddil! I always knew that you'd come back someday!”
Badredd blinked. “But I'm not-”
“Come now Groddil, you know that I don't hold grudges! Come and eat at my table; I just had a pizza delivered. Enjoy!”
Badredd sat the the table and opened one of the boxes to find a steaming hot pizza. He licked his lips. “Oh boy, food!”
Trunn grinned. “Yes, eat all that you want my friend!” He turned to Karangool and whispered, “Is that the pizza with the poison in it?” The tall fox nodded.
Badredd grabbed a piece and raised it to his mouth.
Meanwhile Badrang was standing among the common vermin soldiers, fuming and cursing. A vermin officer came up and glared at him. “Silence idiot, or you shall answer to Lord Trunn!”
Badrang punched him full in the face. “Well maybe I do want to answer ter him, fleabrain!”
Suddenly Badrang took off. He grabbed a random vermin and snarled, “Where's this Trunn moron?!”
The vermin pointed down the tunnel and Badrang took off again. He entered Ungatt Trunn's chamber just as Badredd was about to eat the poisoned pizza. The stoat screamed, “You freakin' idiot! Get over here and push that button thing!!”
Badredd stopped and waved to him. “Oh hey there! Want some pizza?”
Ungatt Trunn glared at Badrang. “Who is this common vermin?”
Badrang glared back at him and stood to his full height. “I'm no common vermin! I am Badrang the Tyrant, and I deserve some respect!”
Trunn stood glaring at him, then he said, “Badrang.... Badrang.... I think I've heard that name before....” Then he smiled. “Badrang is it? I think I knew your father, Fred the Tyrant wasn't it?”
Badrang started. “Y-you knew my dad?”
Trunn nodded. “Of course I did! We were on the same golf team together, back in the good old days! So, how have you been fulfilling the dream of vermin world domination recently?”
They sat down at the table and Badrang glanced at Badredd. The little fox was eating the pizza with gusto.
“No, I'm eating with my mouth!”
“Shut up moron!”
Anyway, Badrang said to Trunn, “Er, well... I did have a fortress where I ruled tyrannically with slaves and subservient vermin idiot soldiers and all that...” He motioned to Badredd to push the button, but Badredd was too busy eating.
Trunn grinned. “That's awesome! It's good to hear about some real, down-right evil deeds going on. By the way, what's your fort's name?”
Badrang was all this while glaring and motioning to Badredd, who was still oblivious. He turned quickly to Trunn and said, “What? Oh, eh, it was called....” he glanced at Badredd, “Fort Stoatville.”
Badredd looked up. “No, it's not. It was Swampshank or something like dat.”
Trunn turned to Badredd. “How do you know that, Groddil?”
Then Badrang snapped. He stood up and snarled, “Are you daft?! He ain't Groodal or whatever; he's just a stupid, mangy, runty, excuse for a flea-brained idiot fox named Badpink!”
Everyone stared at Badrang for a long time.
“Uh, my name is Badredd.”
Trunn looked at Badredd. He frowned. “You're right.... that isn't Groddil; he's an impostor!” The wildcat stood up. “Guards! Take these two away! They are trying to spy on me for that badger!”
Badrang growled. “What badger?! Listen you low-life moron, I-”
The blue vermin all came and grabbed Badrang and Badredd. The stoat yelled, “Push the button!!”
Badredd whined as he was dragged away, “I can't reach it!”
Ungatt Trunn said, “Go and execute these fools! Use them as target practice for my archers!”
Badrang's jaw dropped open and hit the floor.
Then out of nowhere the ghost of Skalrag appeared. “Hahahaha! In your face!”
Badrang glared at him and screamed at Badredd, “Push the button!”
Just as the blue vermin were tying them down to targets, Badredd reached down and pushed the button on his MTSTD.
Chapter Nine- Toad Religion 101
When they appeared they were...
“Falling. Oh joy.”
They fell through the air and before landing with a thud.
Two pebbles came out of nowhere and hit them.
Badrang looked down at his fur. “Aaaauuuggghhhhh!! I'm still blue!!”
Badredd rubbed his bruised rump. “So?”
Badrang didn't even answer him. He turned and saw that they were on a cliff by the sea. He leaped up and jumped over the cliff, hoping to land in the water.
But instead he landed on....
A snake's head.
The snake was busy trying to swallow a large, fat toad, and when Badrang landed on its head, the toad popped right out of its mouth. Badrang glared first at the unconscious snake, then at the still-conscious toad. Suddenly dozens of toads came hopping out from everywhere, croaking, “Bulgum! Buuuulguuummm!”
Badrang snarled, “Get off o' me you stupid fat savages!”
Badredd had just scrambled down the hill when he saw the toads pick up Badrang and carry him on their shoulders. The stoat screamed to him, “You fool! Get these creeps away from me!”
Badredd jumped down the hill just as the snake was regaining his senses. He too landed on its head and knocked it out again. The toads all rushed him and picked him up as well, croaking, “Bulgum! Bulgum!”
Badrang growled and kicked out. “What're you doin', you filthy slimeballs?!”
Badredd scratched his chin. “This reminds me of that scene in Star Wars with the Ewoks....”
Badrang snapped at him. “I don't care about stupid Wewaks! I'm getting away from these freaks!”
He leaped down from the toads, but they grabbed him and set him up on a high rock. Badredd was set next to him. Then all of the toads bowed down to them, calling, “Bulgum! Bulgum!”
Badrang frowned. “What are those idiots doing?”
Badredd stared at the toads. “I think they're.... worshiping us. Like the Ewoks did to C3PO.”
Badrang glared at him. “How do you know that stuff?”
Badredd shrugged. “I don't know. I think it's the MTSTD thingy.”
Badrang looked back at the toads and grinned wickedly. “Well if they think I'm their king or deity or something, let 'em! Heh, I could use some respect.”
Badredd blinked. “What about me?”
The stoat snorted. “Bah! They couldn't care less for you! Watch, I'll get off the rock and then they'll all turn towards me.”
He leaped off the rock, but before he could move, a big toad, bigger than all the others, came forward. It was, in fact, the same toad that Badrang had “saved” from the snake. It pointed a trident at Badrang and said, “Bulgum! Bulgum! Heyahooya, Bulgum! Crrkkk!”
Badrang rolled his eyes. “Well Bulgum to you too fatso!” The toads pushed him back up onto the rock.
Badredd wondered aloud, “I wonder what Bulgum means....?”
Badrang smirked. “You moron, it's obvious. It means a leader or lord of some kind. Hah, watch this...”
The stoat stood up and shouted, “Mighty Bulgum Badrang tells you all to shut up with your croaking and serve me some good food!”
All of the toads stared blankly at him. Badredd whispered, “I don't think they understood you....”
Badrang glared at him. “Oh, ya think?!” He turned back to the toads and pointed at the leader. “You, fatty whatsyourface, can you understand me?”
The big toad stared blankly as well.
Badrang grumbled something about uncivilized reptiles.
“Er, actually they're amphibians.” Badredd said.
Badrang glared at him.
For the next hour Badrang tried again and again to communicate with the toads, but they all just stared blankly. Then Badredd stood up and said, “I'm hungry! Bulgum Badredd wants food!”
The toads suddenly all smiled and nodded. Some of them went off somewhere while the others croaked, “Bulgum! Bulgum!”
Badredd looked smugly at Badrang. The stoat didn't even glare back.
Soon some toads wearing big chef's hats and carrying silver trays-
“They can't speak like proper creatures and they live in mud-holes, yet they have that stuff?!”
Anyway, they brought the trays up to the two “Bulgums” and opened them. Both the stoat and the fox were disgusted to find....
“Ugh! Worms and mud!? I'm gonna be sick...”
Badredd looked closer and dipped a paw into the “mud”. He licked it and said, “Hey.... this ain't mud an' worms.... it's chocolate pudding and gummy worms!”
Badrang looked down at it pulled out a bright orange worm. He inspected it and then popped it into his mouth. “Hmm.... for once, you're right! Dang, this stuff is good!”
Badredd had already downed three cups of the delicacies and was reaching for a fourth. He burped. “Whew! I could get used to this!”
Badrang shoved Badredd's paw away and said, “I already was used to it; but the food back at Marshank was never as good as this!”
Badredd grinned. “Hey, maybe we should stay here and live like kings for the rest o' our lives! This is the best place so far!”
Badrang already had plans of assassinating his co-Bulgum. He grinned back. “Oh, yeah! This is gonna be great! No slave uprisings, no insubordinate minions; yeah, it's the life!”
Badredd leaned back on the rock and sighed happily.
Chapter Ten- Pancakes!!
The next thing they knew, they were standing in a muddy river in the middle of the woods. They both stared straight ahead, their eyes wide in surprise.
Badredd reached into his back pocket and pulled out the MTSTD. “Oops. I must've leaned back and pushed the button on accident. Eh, sorry.... eheheh....”
Badrang growled under his breath. “You wouldn't believe how much I hate you....”
A pebble hit him on the back. “And you wouldn't believe how much I hate whoever's throwing those pebbles....”
Badredd sniffed the air and licked his lips. “Mmmm... I smell food!”
Badrang stared at him. “How can you be hungry after all of that food you gorged on?”
Badredd shrugged. “All of this time-travel gives you an appetite I guess. Come on!”
He ran off in the direction of the smell and Badrang reluctantly followed, grumbling and muttering. They soon came upon a clearing by the river. It was occupied by dozens of scruffy-looking hedgehogs. They all sat at tables and looked as though they were eating. Some stood in a line in front of a big stove.
Badredd sighed longingly. “Ohhh! It smells like pancakes! I want some!”
He was about to rush forward, when Badrang grabbed him and snarled. “You fool! Don't you realize that those spikehogs would attack us the moment they saw us? Now, if we want those pancakes-”
“You mean you want them too?”
Badrang glared at him. “Don't change the subject.”
“But I wasn't-”
“Just shut up and listen. Now, if we want those pancakes, then we need to go disguised...”
A few minutes later, two strange-looking creatures strode into the hedgehog's pancake picnic. All of the hogs stared at them as they walked up to the line.
Badredd whined under his disguise, “These thistles are itchy!”
Badrang, also wearing a coat of thistles, growled, “Just shut your trap and act like a hedgehog.”
One big hedgehog came up to them and asked, “Hey, I've never seen you two around here afore! Who are ye?”
Badrang answered, trying to make his voice sound hedgehogish, “Why we're new around here an' we heard about these delicious pancakes and decided to try some.”
The hedgehog eyed them suspiciously and scratched his chin. Then he grinned and said, “Well then welcome to the annual Dillypin Pancake Festival! Help yourself!”
Badrang breathed a sigh of relief. It finally was their turn to be served. They both walked up to the line and the hedgehog chef plopped two big pancakes on Badredd's plate. Badrang held his plate out, but the hedgehog said, “Sorry, that's the last of 'em. You'll have to wait until we make more batter.”
Badrang grumbled under his breath and glared at the hedgehog chef. Then he glanced at Badredd, who was busy pouring syrup on his pancakes. The stoat slipped over to him and swiped the plate from under Badredd's nose.
The little fox whined, “Hey! Why'd you take my pancakes?”
Badrang glared at him. “Because I can. Now get back in line, runt.”
Badredd slumped over to the back of the line, moping.
As Badrang sat down at a table to eat, there was a commotion from across the river. The stoat looked up and saw a bunch of the hedgehogs throwing stones and yelling at three vermin on the other side. The vermin took off running.
Badrang rolled his eyes. “Losers.”
He was just bringing the first bite to his mouth, when Badredd suddenly sat down next to him, his plate full of pancakes.
Badrang stared at him in disbelief. “How'd you get yer food so fast?”
Badredd stuffed some pancake in his mouth and said, “Mumph grumph umph!”
Badrang groaned and glared at Badredd. He turned to a nearby hedgehog. “What's the deal with the super-fast pancakes?”
The hedeghog grinned. “Why it's Great Aunt Lollery's patented Super-Fast-Pancake-Batter. It makes pancakes super fast.”
Badrang nodded sarcastically. “Uh huh. That's what I figured.”
Badredd gulped down some pancake and said to Badrang, “Oh, did you see those three vermin across the river? Two of 'em were stoats like you Badrang! Haha....ha....”
His voice died away as all of the nearby hedgehogs stared at them.
Badrang face-palmed. “You blew it, kid.”
Suddenly one hedgehog said, “Hey, they're not real hedgehogs! They're vermin! Get 'em!”
All of the hedgehogs jumped on top of the two vermin.
Badrang screamed to Badredd as he kicked and shoved hedgehogs out of the way, “Push the button you moron!!”
Badredd pushed it and POOF! went Badrang, Badredd, and all of the Dillypin hedgehogs.
Chapter Eleven- How Badrang and Badredd, along with all of the Dillypins, arrived in a place they didn't want to be. (Also entitled: A very short chapter with a very long title)
Badrang and Badredd, along with all of the Dillypins, poofed up in a large, sandstone quarry.
Badrang glared at Badredd. “Push the button.”
Chapter Twelve- Utter Confusion and Pony Rides
When they poofed up again they were in a wide, random field. Without the Dillypins.
Badredd looked around. “Hey, where'd those hedgehogs go?”
Badrang snorted. “They could've all got eaten by snakes if I care. Come on, let's find out where we are.”
They both looked around the wide random field, and found that it was completely empty. Except for the obvious long line of various creatures standing some yards away.
Badredd pointed at the obvious long line of various creatures. “Hey, look at that obvious long line of-”
“Oh shut up!”
They walked over towards the obvious.... the line.
Badrang spoke to a random creature. “Hey, what's up with this obvious long line of various... oh dang it, now I'm saying it!”
The random creature, (who just happened to be Scarum) said, “Why it's the flippin' line to go to the bloomin' pony rides, as you should jolly well know, wot wot!”
Badrang stared at him for a moment, then muttered, “Hares....”
Badredd spoke up, “What's a pony ride?”
Scarum gulped down a huge ice cream cone that he was eating and said, “Why that bloomin' big feller over there old chap!”
They both looked and across the wide random field, all the way at the end of the obvious long line, was a huge creature that neither Badredd nor Badrang had ever seen before. It was in fact, a horse. The horse. The horse that Cluny the Scourge rode on all the way to Redwall. The horse stood next to a tall ladder. Several creatures in the line climbed up the ladder to sit on the horse. Then it would run off in a circle and come back to let more creatures have a turn.
Badrang stared at it for some time, then he growled, “Bah! This is all probably just a hoax! Where's the guy that runs this gig?”
Scarum stuffed down a huge tub of popcorn and said, “See that stoat chap over there? He's the one.”
Badrang narrowed his eyes. “A stoat, eh....? Well, let's just see what this is all about....”
He and Badredd strode over to the stoat that stood by the ladder, taking tickets. Badrang said, “Hoi, who are you and what's this thing all about?”
The stoat turned to them and said, “Oh, I'm Badrag and I'm-”
“Yeah, Badrag. Now why's that in italics? And who are you?”
“And I'm Badredd!”
“Well how do ye do, Badrang, I-”
“Oh, well I thought you were-”
“He's Badredd, I'm Badrag.”
“But I'm Badrag.”
“Grrrrr.... Okay, I'm Badrang, he's Badrag...”
“No he's Badrag!”
“Okay, okay, listen! I'm Rang, he's Redd, and you're Rag. There, how's that?”
“So I'm Redd.”
“And I'm Rang?”
“No no no! I'm Rang, he's Rag, and- Oh darn, now I'm confused!”
This went on for quite some time. More than some time actually. But to make a long story short-
“I wish you'd make this story short. It's getting on my nerves. Not to mention my blood pressure....”
Well, your readers don't want it short.
“Well who cares what they want! I-”
They all hate you ya know.
“Why?! What'd I ever do to them?!”
Do you want me to call Martin?
“Grumble grump gripe mumble....”
Aaaaanywaaaaaaay....... Badrang and Badredd finally got away from this bad case of utter confusion.
Badredd said, “I want to ride the pony!”
“Aw, why not?”
“Because I said so. Now shut up and sit down.”
Badredd sat down and moped. Then he sat up and said, “Do you want me to push the button?”
“NO!!! I've been attacked a billion times and had stupid people annoy me billions of times, so I want to get some rest and wait here for a little bit! Got it?!”
“Good. Now, let me sleep.”
Badrang fell asleep under a tree, and Badredd sneaked off into the line. He was walking down the long line towards the end, when he heard a familiar voice call, “Hey, Redd!”
Badredd turned and saw....